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I Couldn't




 It was five minutes before work started this morning when I heard the news.

A picture, beds draped in white, coworkers standing behind them, in their uniforms.

 

I thought I was going to be ok…

But I wasn’t.

My husband wasn’t.

My son wasn’t.

My Sista wasn’t.

 

But the words rattled the walls of my heart as I tried to contain it.

I tried to push it away and go on with my day.

But I couldn’t

I had to take deep breaths and struggled to speak and hope my client never noticed.

I thought I could fake my way through it.

But I couldn’t.


My home bleeds blue... and white and green.

 

I listen to their pain and I help to heal their scars.

My life has made me capable to see so deeply inside it.

 

I am a cop wife.

I have cop friends.

I have a cop Sista.

 

There are times I get so angry cuz I feel alone in this shit and no one really understands.

I get angry cuz so many of them feel this way too.

These are our brothers, and sisters.

They are our friends.

We go through things as families few can comprehend.

 

We have gone through this before, it’s not the first, won’t be the last.

But it feels different when your family has worn the weight of the badge.

There is an energy that is different, you do not necessarily know them, but they are family.

But it hits even harder when it hits your own community.

 

I can’t tell you how many times we have heard “You know what you signed up for”.

I’d like to tell you to suit up and go knock on that fucking door.

Or spend your day or night wondering if they'll come home again.

 

This morning there was chaos in a community where we once had lived.

A community we have been involved with for nearly 50 years.

 

On this morning, the sun still sleeping, in the darkness’ still hush.

A call came out that a man was hurting a child.

Officers responded as such.

3 officers were shot this morning and 2 of them lost their lives.

A medic who came to help the wounded also lost his life.

These men were young and had small children of their own.

 

To our emergency responders, the red, the white, the blue and green.

I see you and I feel your pain.

I write this because I know many of you suffer silently or alone.

 

I hope you can feel through the ethers and feel the love that’s there for you.

 

 

With heartfelt love for all who serve our communities and our country.


***If you feel compelled to leave a message of love and support for our police, medics, firefighters and military, please do.... they deserve that.


Sincerely,

Becky Costello, Psychic Medium

(and family)


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