First off, I want to thank all of you who sent messages wondering where the heck I have been.
In all honestly, I was pretty deep in my own healing journey.
And the funny thing is, Ice Cream has been one of the teachers along the way.
My love affair with ice cream goes far back. I blame my dad as I think I inherited it from him.
I remember when I began living on my own and buying my own groceries, the first pint of Haagen Daz Vanilla Swiss Almond I bought. When I was younger, I had this perception it was something for “rich people”. No idea where that perception came from, but I tell ya, my first pint of that stuff, and I felt like I was royalty of some sort. It felt like “Ahhhh… I finally made it”. Weird thing to think from a pint of ice cream, isn’t it?
30 yrs later and that first bite has turned into a gigantic pain in my ass.
Let me explain….
My last healing sequence began in Feb of 2021, eventually leading me into some pretty painful shit. I remember when I heard Spirit tell me what I was dealing with is “Shamanic Death”. Shamanic anything in most terms means you better have some big balls, because courage was gonna be needed.
A few months ago, I was instructed to undergo what Spirit called a Death Lodge… a dying ceremony. The death of myself, and the honoring of the grief I had endured in my lifetime thus far.
In October of 2021, I lost a friend to the “virus”, 2 weeks later a friend took his own life, and I fell out with most of my family 2 weeks after that. In Feb of this year, the “virus” hit our home and I was knocked on my ass for the better part of 3 weeks. I kid you not when I tell you I seriously feared I was going to die as I watched my oxygen levels drops to 72 or 73 percent. But in that fear I realized I actually wanted to live.
It was when all this crap happened, I started to really realize I have a big problem.
I was spending a shit load of money on the dumbest stuff… clothes, art supplies, and the kicker… 6 pints of ice cream in a week. Oh… I am not kidding you. I ate 6 pints of ice cream in a matter of 3 days. It was then I had a WTF moment. I observed how I felt around it. And man, that was eye opening.
When I would buy groceries, I would buy multiple pints and hide them. I would have some when my hubby was around. But when he left to go to the gym, I noticed my behavior.
I bided my time until he left. As soon as he left and I knew he was around the corner, I ran to that damn freezer. I gobbled up the entire pint, then when I was finished, I would lift the lid to the trash can, move things around in there so I could hide the evidence. Yeah… it was that bad. And I was wholly ashamed.
I was so humiliated because I realized how bad things had gotten.
In an attempt to get my shit together, I jumped on the scale. I gained a good 20 lbs in a matter or 3 or 4 months, and it dropped me into a deep pit of despair, as all of my insecurities in myself were out there flopping in the wind, lashing me in the face.
With the help of a few good friends and an amazing hubby, I nose dived into my own healing.
And I hated what I found.
I am not good enough to be loved as I am.
I must give to no end.
I must sacrifice and always put others first.
I must succeed in career and finances.
Only then am I good enough.
Then I realized where this had come from.
Since I was a little kid, I have received messages that I was not good enough. I scanned through my entire life.
Friends turned on me in a time of need, choosing to talk shit behind my back instead of help me.
I was used by people I thought were “friends” who were only in my life because of what I provided for them.
My entire adult life I have been an “unpaid therapist” to people who I thought loved me but didn’t.
Yet, I realized I sat pretty much emotionally alone, because I no longer knew how to ask for help, no longer knew how to share and I felt that my only worth in the world was what I gave to others.
And when I did have the courage to ask for help from some of them, I was rejected.
And that shit stings bad.
And here I sat…
Resentful, tired and sick.
And I was doing it to myself.
I got fucking pissed that I was taking the high road when what I really wanted to say was “You are a fucking piece of selfish shit”. In complete honesty, it gets exhausting having to be the “good one” when you want to assault someone for being a prick!
When I asked someone why they weren’t there for me when I actually had the courage to ask for help, I was told “I didn’t know you needed anything” or “I haven’t been through what you are going through so how could I have been of help”. Omg… a fucking kick in the gut! Are you that fucking stupid?
Here is what my healing journey has taught me:
I have deep trauma, and my body holds so much pain within it because it feels this world is unsafe. I cannot handle alcohol or any other mind-altering substance because of it. It causes me to panic because I feel I cannot protect myself.
What I am doing is suicide and there is no way around that. And that was a sucker punch. My psychic journey (decent into hell) began because of a suicide. And one of my deepest levels of healing began because of another suicide. And here I am… committing slow suicide myself. And the kicker? Having strong, powerful and clear visions of my own “untimely death”. Comfort is a killer!
I realized my behaviors are rooted in a deep sorrow of not feeling loved by those who I expected to love me. And because I also became one of those people who hurt me. This has caused me to not believe in the love I am shown, and I feel there is a false agenda most of the time. I know it isn’t true, but the belief is still very much there.
It is also because I have dealt with a lot of grief, and during one of my first experiences with it, I was told by a friend to “get over it”. And to get over grief, I have become an addict.
Perhaps you think I am being dramatic. Perhaps you are right.
But the trouble I get myself into financially (buying clothes and cars to feel better in my own skin) and health-wise (trying to numb the sorrow) is very real.
The first step in healing an addiction is to acknowledge you have one.
Fuck… I have many.
And I know I am not the only one.
How many of you are in pain?
How many of you are assessing what you are doing in your lives and whether or not they casing you harm?
How many of you are having a hard time changing your ways?
By the sessions I have had with clients recently, I know many of you are.
The energies we are experiencing recently are no joke.
The solar flares, geomagnetic storms and galactic core activity are getting stronger and stronger, and more and more frequent. Look up the effects of solar activity on the human body and human psychology (I also wrote a class on this in my online store). What I can tell you is this is the new norm.
The goal with this solar stuff is higher living… which then causes physical, mental, and emotional purging. Purging gives way to realization if you are willing to do the work and to look at what is surfacing.
When we understand why we do things, how we got this way, we must meet it from a place of love, not harm. Yet, a good majority of us don’t. We double down, feel ashamed and guilty, and mentally/emotionally punish ourselves, and the cycle continues. And this ripples outward and the world turns to shit.
You guys, we are our own worst enemy.
Many of us would never treat others the way we treat ourselves.
For many, the damage goes all the way back to our childhoods. I am not an advocate of blaming anyone, HOWEVER you had damn well better get your shit together enough to protect yourself from it if it is continuing! BOUNDARIES!!! If you don’t, you will inadvertently do it to yourself.
How do you talk to yourself?
How do you handle overwhelm? Stress?
Do you allow yourself to actually feel or look into it?
Or do you stuff it, dismiss it?
How do you feel about the way you handle it?
Do you love yourself enough to seek to understand it and heal it?
We go to great lengths (oftentimes selflessly!) to help other life forms, but why can’t we love ourselves that way? Good question, isn’t it?
For the rest of the month of September, there will be a lot of opportunities for you to observe, reflect and heal.
I sincerely hope you can find the time to do this for yourselves.
With much Love
Becky Costello, Psychic Medium
Dancing Elk Shamanic Healing