Turning Myself Inside Out

The last 10 years took a toll.  Not just on me, but I think all of us.

Clients come in my door and they are open, raw and real. I am so inspired by the vulnerability of others.

I see it as personal freedom.

A few posts back, my husband took a huge leap and opened himself to an audience of 1000's he didn't even know. You have no clue what it took for him to do that. It was a turning point for both of us.

I want to touch people like that. I want to bare my soul and hope it touches someone in such a way it changes their life.

This post is me being honest and leaving it all out here, because, like you, I have baggage. I'm sick of carrying the weight of it. I'm sick of hiding.

It hasn't all been bad,  but nonetheless,  it's worn me down. And much of this happened without anyone knowing.  

I have this fear that because I help others heal, I need to appear whole myself. 

I fear judgment and want to be thought of as good enough, even though it kills me to admit it.  

My husband told me years ago I'm a workaholic, and I do so to feel loved by others. Can't argue with him.  I hear the words a family member said to me many, many years ago run through my head too often... that I'm "lazy and selfish," and so I drive to be enough by not being lazy and giving all I got in whatever I do.  Now I give more at work than I do to those I love because i have nothing left over. 

I certainly don't have anything left for myself. 

25 years ago or so, my nickname from my personal training clients was "smiley". I miss who I was back then. I don't smile like I used to.  Life happened.  I could fake it for a while... but even that is too much effort when you are tired. 

Shit got rough as i cared for a man I was once involved with who was dying of cancer.  

I got let go from a job at the same time. This was a blessing,  but I was so traumatized I couldn't return to work as a nurse. And the grief from that loss came several years later and brought a nasty autoimmune disorder or 2 with it.

My drive to succeed came at the cost of my son and husband. 

In 2016, I almost died due to the devastation of an affair and all the past shit it triggered... but my love for my son stopped me from doing it.

This began the hell I call shadow work. And damn, it is the hardest work I have done in my life.

In 2017, my husband went through his own personal hell. Suffering with C-PTSD, I didn't know if I was gonna find him dead one day (please read the post  "noise "... that is his story). And his hell was my hell. You can't love someone and not be impacted by watching them suffer. And for me, what others feel becomes mine... and I have my own to feel too. I had no one to talk to about it. I asked for help, and it never came. No one cared.  So I took that pain and turned it around to try and help cops, first responders and military... cuz I get it, and it actually helped me feel less alone in all of this. 

I had a baby I gave up for adoption when I was 19. A few years ago the adoptive mother told this child,  who is now an adult, that she was the result of a date rape. That was not her place and she did so to cover her own ass, and it was one of the worst betrayals I experienced. It was not her fucking story to tell. For someone who was a devout Christian, it was one of the most unloving things one could do.

Oh, the anger surfaced... violently.

And the clarity came.  

And so did the dissolution of many relationships, including within my family.  I was happily trotting around with fire in my hand to burn those bridges down and watch it.

When you realize the truth of certain relationships and the damage that was done because of gaslighting, it's a bit of a reality check. I spent 40 something years in that crap and I felt like an idiot!

I will no longer have relationships when one is unwilling to look at how they hurt others and do something about it.

Oh let's (not) forget the shitstorm of 2020. 

My son graduated high school,  but there was no ceremony to watch.  He left for the military 2 weeks later, and we could not be a part of any of it. I missed most of his phone calls because I was working. He is gone now... been in the military over 5 years. He has a wife. His home isn't here anymore.  He told me a few weeks ago he feels he will die a "hero's death". Sadly, during a trip to Iceland, I had the same vision.

My mom heart doesn't know what to do with that sometimes as my heart aches for him. 

Then there was the time I found my husband unconscious on the floor after he passed out and smashed his head on a tile step. He was not breathing. Then the brain injury that happened because of that.  The panic attacks that came.  The 911 calls because he had a nightmare where he thought he was shot and he couldn't breathe... until the uniform walked into my bedroom and he just knew what my husband was going through.  I still think about that officer almost daily and the girls who were my rocks when I would text them in a panic.

This was the hell I was living in while trying to give to others. I was dying inside. 

I didn't know how to cope with all of this alone and developed a shopping addiction and an eating disorder to numb the pain that spun out of control.

But it was through these painful times I learned the difference between family and relatives.  

A cousin became more like a sister.  My connection to a few girls became close and they got me through some really dark times. 

I still suck at being vulnerable (ok... I really suck).  

When you ask for help and get treated like an inconvenience, told you're playing the victim, that you're a narcissist, you tend to stop opening up to people... oh... and when it happens at Christmas and you're already struggling because it's the first one without your son, that's just icing on the damn cake.  

From the last 10 years,  I've become cold, don't tolerate disrespect, became paranoid and distrustful, yet I grew wise and strong.

I am overly sensitive to the possibility of being used.

I'm awake to who's here now. 

I'm aware of what is healthy and what is not. 

But in all of this shit storm,  I found a part of myself I am very proud of.

I had people I thought were friends turn on me, but I also found powerful friends who call me out on my shit and tell me they want to see my vulnerable side. They help me to be the best version of myself. They help me when I'm hurting or need healing or simply need someone to listen. 

I learned to love again after tremendous pain. I never thought I could. I still struggle and I'm working to do something about that, hopefully through the help of retired racehorses. 

I also realized I want to work differently.  I'm a decent psychic. I'm a great medium.

but I LOVE using my intuitive faculties for life coaching. I love using my intuitive abilities to help people heal emotionally. A few clients even call me "Dr Becky" which makes me giggle and smile like I used to. I secretly always wanted to be a therapist.

I want to help people find their "why" and their wants. I want to help them learn to see and hear themselves so that life isn't such a struggle. 

I love to answer questions about spiritual stuff of all kinds. 

I love to teach. 

I want to write. 

I want to be vulnerable. 

I have a dark, sarcastic sense of humor.

And I cuss like a sailor because 25+ years ago, I was in the military briefly and it was a great form of expression.

I want to show up differently in the world, but I just don't know what that looks like.... yet. 

Here's my radical step in trying to show up fully real since you all take your time to be open and vulnerable with me. 

I want you to know who I am on the inside... and know that I don't live in some glass house in the countryside living a charmed life.  

I'm human just like you.

With Love,

Becky Costello, intuitive something or other

www.rebeccacostello.com