When the Noise Becomes Too Much

This is an incredibly hard post for me for many reasons. Vulnerability and judgement by people who don't understand and don't care being the main reasons. But right now, I feel someone out there needs to read this message.

Many of you know my role with Law Enforcement and other First Responders.

This has been a rough week. My husband, a former cop and myself, mourn for people who couldn't take it any more. Why do we mourn?

Because my husband almost ended his life one day a few years ago.

I almost became a widow.

My son almost lost his father.

And the most F'd up part was we suffered alone.

We ASKED for help that never came.

Just the stereotypical "Let me know if you need anything".

Or the ignorant "He knew what he signed up for".

I know this one is long, but I ask you to please read. Please share if you know a first responder. You may help save a life.

So, today, this post is brought to you by my husband...

These are HIS words, spoken from the heart, a major first step in healing his shame, in the hopes he/we may be able to save a life....

When The Noise Becomes Too Much 

This is for my First Responders out there. The ones that don’t ask for help. The ones who plow forward call after call.  The ones who put on that fake smile until they no longer can. The ones who don’t speak up for fear of the unknown, fear of losing partners, fear of losing their job, fear of losing their identity. I know, I am one of you. I lost my identity and purpose, I get it. I’m trying to carve out a new identity, piece by piece. It’s not easy. Walk with me as I struggle to write this.  

There are other ways to “silence the noise”.  By silencing, I am talking about suicide. Yes, that ugly word; SUICIDE. The word with that stigma attached. The word families, friends, and departments don’t want to talk about. Sure, some departments are better than others. There are also great organizations that help so many First Responders and it is important to acknowledge that. How do we reach the ones who don’t call out, who don’t talk to anyone? I am not a counselor or a therapist but unfortunately, I have the ugly experiences and knowledge that being a cop for 22 years brings.  

What is the “Noise”? I will speak from my point of view and from my experiences. Everyone’s is different. This is just a piece of mine and just maybe, somehow, it will reach the forgotten and unseen ones out there who see no other option.  

To me the noise is the chatter in your head. The chatter that keeps you awake at night. The noise that plays over and over again. The noise that causes nightmares night after night, year after year. For me the nightmares were my loudest noise. I rarely had a night without them. They were my constant companion, something I could count on every night. Why go to sleep just to face that? Let’s try going to bed at different times, sleep in different rooms just to try and trick the noise of what we were doing. It doesn’t work, the noise finds us where we are. The noise is tricky and sneaky. It waits until you can no longer keep your eyes open and then it gets you. You tried to stay awake all night and then sleep in the morning, thinking the noise won’t find you. Wrong, it knows you better than you know yourself. If you’re woken up from a nightmare, don’t worry the noise will literally start the nightmare over in the exact same spot as when you woke up, as if you only hit the pause button.  

Now try to be a husband, a son, and a brother after nights like that. You’re being asked to literally flip a switch from experiencing some of the worst calls then going home and having to act like it didn’t happen. It takes a tremendous toll on your spouse and children and yourself. Believe me, I know the damage it causes. Having to cut down a Mother who hung herself in her child’s closet while the child slept in their crib 10 feet away, to then after work, going to Christmas dinner and your relatives take it personal that you aren’t engaging. Merry Christmas! 

I will share a small story about my asking a question and wanting to know that you matter and it goes horribly wrong. This story to me highlights the reasons some First Responders don’t ask for help or speak up.  

My noise became too loud for me several years ago. I had enough. I could not shut it off or even turn down the volume. I left the house, brought my gun and had no intention of ever returning. I drove and drove, I had no idea where I was. I found a nice spot and figured this is as good as any spot to kill myself. Yes, I said it. It’s ok to say that. We don’t have to hide behind words and phrases to make it sound nice and neat. No, I was going to kill myself in my truck with my duty weapon. No hiding that, plain and simple. Let’s go. 

I remember the coolness of the barrel pressed against my temple. Nothing mattered in that moment except silencing the noise once and for all. Fuck you, I win. I wasn’t thinking about the devastation that it would cause my son and wife. People say suicide is selfish. I disagree as many see that as the only option to turn it off. If I was thinking of anything but the noise, I obviously wouldn’t be sitting on the side of the road with a gun to my head.  

My cell phone began to ring. It was a friend at the time and an ex-partner. I answered. To answer the phone, I had to put my gun down. I never picked it up again until I got home safely. I don’t believe in coincidences. There was a Divine intervention that day. My Faith remains strong to this day and some days it feels like that is all I have. It has been my life raft and my life preserver somedays.  

The very next day I called a family member. I asked them why they never pulled me aside or called and asked me what was wrong when they noticed that I was increasingly withdrawn at family gatherings. Their response/explosion was “Listen here asshole, I figured if you wanted to be an asshole then I was going to let you be an asshole.” Ok then, so my suffering and pain was an inconvenience to you, and it annoyed you and made me an asshole.  Got it. Loud and clear.

Why reach out when this is the reaction? Lesson learned. 

The point of this rambling has been to let you know that there are others out there just like you. When I left the job, it was like slamming on the brakes at 100 mph and all the crap behind you comes rushing forward. The real work began AFTER I left as things became much worse. I didn’t have the option of “armoring” up and going to work anymore. Now I had time and lots of it. Time to think, time for the noise to get to work on me.  

I understand the pain, the suffering. It may look like there are no options but there are. It is always darkest before it is light. Please reach out to someone you trust. There are amazing individuals out there just waiting to help you. I have met several and they are my Angels, I also happen to live with one. It’s not too late. 

I am not going to get all “churchy” on you but I’ll leave you with this:

Cling to hope, and My rays of Light will reach you through the darkness 

Now, I want to add my part...

If you know a police offer, corrections officer, firefighter or medic, please share this. Share it with their families and friends.

My heart has witnessed a miracle in my own home with the man I love.

My husband never believed he could be free from the nightmares he suffered from for 25 years. But he found a CURE. After once session he never had a nightmare again. He only did 3 sessions total.

He found the courage to ask for help from strangers, and to do Equine Therapy with people who actually understood what he went through without him having to give gory details.

He is alive.

He is learning to thrive.

He found faith and God.

He found value in himself and learned to love himself.

And today, he found the courage to be incredibly vulnerable in the hopes it may save a life.

There are options where you do not need to talk about anything unless you want to.

If you need help, please reach out to me. I will help you get what you need or introduce you to people who understand what you have been through, have depth and have already began their healing journey.

You matter.

Your life matters.

The work you suffered through was not in vain.

There are resources that are easy to move through.

You are worthy of being loved.

Let someone love you....

Please.

With Love,

Becky Costello, Psychic Medium