"Move Her"

Sometimes those who help others need a little help for themselves. I am no different. On occasion I have shared tidbits of my journey doing equine therapy. I have always loved horses, although, I was scared of their size… which is kind strange since I showed cattle as a kid with my dad. Maybe it’s because I remember how bad it hurt when the dang thing steps on your foot.

She was the first horse I met. I took to her without understanding why until after I left the visit. She was alone in her paddock because she needs space. She was gray. Had black, gray and red hair like I do. She was light gray in her body with black markings on her legs that look like tattoos.

Horses are mirrors to us… and she was my mirror. Needs space, wears gray and has tattoos and is sassy to boot. In equine therapy, horses represent different parts of your story. They mirror back to you what you are feeling… even if you cannot feel it.

The horse who helped me with some of these moments recently is called Dangerous… Dangerous Wave. Dangerous because she is incredibly intense and was borderline psycho on the racetrack. She made the leg of her exercise trainer black because it was bruised so bad from banging into other horses/riders.

Wave because she loves water!

And I am honored because she usually comes right to the gate to greet me most times.

As the girls and I walked, I filled them in on some stuff that had developed over the last week. And what was interesting is that the gray clouds rolled in, replacing the blue. Then the winds picked up a little.

I didn’t feel like talking anymore, so I excused myself to go to Wave, grabbed the halter and put it on her to lead her out. I was not exactly calm, as the last time I had done this, all hell broke loose. After this had happened, the owner told me that Wave was called “too much… too intense… unsafe”. Funny, because I have heard those exact words myself throughout my life. It honestly made me love her more, because frankly, I understood, and just maybe, she understood me.

So, I led her out of her paddock and let her lawn mow for a while. As I did that, Tank, the horse who is God in my story, came to the gate and started kicking it. There she (I) was, doing her (my) own thing, and there's God, kicking at the gate trying to get my attention. Hmmmm.

I walk her back into her paddock and then one of the girls says, “What do you do when you know a storm is coming”?

I just look at her and say, “I prepare”.

She asked, “How”?

I told her by being aware of what is happening around me (I am hypervigilant, which is part of why I am there) and moving accordingly.

Then she says to me, “Move her”.

Ok… I can do that. Rope in my hand, I shimmied it at her and I moved her around the paddock without a problem.

“Stand in the center and move her”.

Ummmmm. Ok.

So, I stand in the center. Wave comes TO me. But she isn’t moving away or in any other direction. So, I touch her and love on her. I move, she comes to me again. I love on her some more, but I am noticing her bottom lip is quivering. I interpret this as SHE is uncertain, uncomfortable or anxious… so, more loving on her.

“Stay 5 feet away from her and move her”.

So, I back up from her and she won’t move. I move 5 feet in another direction. Nothing. Her lip is still quivering, so I go to her to love on her again.

Time was about up, so I unhaltered my horse/mirror and walked out of the paddock.

“I know I was supposed to stay 5 feet away” I said… “but I couldn’t”.

One of the girls says, “You couldn’t or wouldn’t”?

Ouch. What I felt was a compulsion to comfort her, but there was a choice. I chose to give love instead of listen and stay back.

“Love and comfort don’t always move you to safe space when a storm is coming” one of the girls says.

Oh man, did this one hit home, because she was right. When crap is about to hit the fan, sometimes niceness becomes enabling, and that in itself, is unsafe!

“I didn’t know what else to do” I said.

“It’s interesting that you have help here, someone who could have told you what to do or how to do it, but you didn’t ask for help” she said.

Crap. What is sad here is she is right… and even more disturbing is that asking for help literally did not even occur to me in the slightest!

And then I left… and processed.

What I realized is that my 9 months of equine therapy up until that point, I was doing all wrong.

Horses are reflections of YOUR life. I made my sessions about what the horses were feeling or needing and I sought to show love to THEM. To comfort THEM.

What was supposed to be for my healing, I turned around and made it about what someone else needs or who I could show love to.

This is the story of my life.

And I bet it is likely the story of yours, or someone you know.

You become so enmeshed in serving others that you forget about yourself. And because of this, or any other myriad of reasons, it literally doesn’t occur to you to ask for help.

My working with Wave was actually me working with myself.

The other thing I realized is Wave’s lip quivering meant nothing like I thought. It means the horse is relaxed and at peace! But do you know who’s lip quivers when anxious, uncomfortable or trying to fight back tears? MINE. And I actually had bite marks in my bottom lip from trying to keep myself calm.

Life is hard. There is no denying that.

And 9 times out of 10, we struggle through it without asking for help or admitting we need something and we force ourselves to go through it alone.

Vulnerability is tough because of rejection and disappointment, but without it, there is no foundation built that can withstand the test of time and tribulation.

Other times we see someone who needs help and we either coddle them (enabling) or we don’t do or say anything at all to “move them” to safety, or we place the responsibility on the hurting person to "speak up about it" (this is a cop-out!).

And what's even worse, is sometimes we don't even see that someone is drowning because we are so stuck inside our own heads and our own worlds, yet we tell them we love them. That isn't love. Love is noticing, showing up, placing your attention on someone other than ourselves every once in a while.

This world feels like one giant ball of narcissism sometimes.

Life is a storm.

Show up for yourself and others.

If you love someone, show it, because words are not enough for someone to believe it.

Look around you… but don’t forget to look Up.

God is kicking at your gate wanting to help you through it.

With Love,

Rebecca Costello

Soul Therapy and Energy Healing Services