Poisoned Kool-Aid

This is a very personal post that is written by both myself and my sister...

This is our story of reconcilliation after 5 years of estrangement.

I came to realize recently, that I don't know how to fit into a group if I'm not leading it or there to observe the dynamics of it for problem solving. I've been solo so long. Even my get-togethers with friends are always 1:1. Group dynamics are hard for me. I thought I had trust issues. Turns out I have "belonging issues" instead.

I have never felt comfortable in group dynamics. This has been a lifelong thing.

I never really fit in anywhere, not even in my family. Sadly, there's a reason for that.

The reason is poisoned kool-aide from the lips of someone who said they loved me.

All my life, I have struggled to fit in, only knowing how to be in "work mode" most of the time in my adult life. I became a performer or a producer in order to try and earn a place in my family because WHO I was, was not good enough.  I could feel the judgment before I even understood what judgement was. I thought maybe I wasn’t worth loving. That judgment never stopped. I didn’t know the depths that poison went until recently.

I've spent the last few years learning how to actually be in friendships without slipping into "work mode." I didn't know how to share my feelings because I genuinely felt no one cared, and when I did try, I was called a "drama queen." It's hard to fit in when you grow up the way I did.

Over the last month, something beautiful happened. In a chance encounter, and by following some instruction from Above, I reconnected with my sister, who I've been estranged from for the last 5 years. The reason for our estrangement came because she mistakenly "drank the poisoned kool-aid" from someone else's mouth and believed what was being said about me. How can they not when the bs is fed into their ears the better part of 40 years.

The poison drove a wedge in almost every relationship I had with family. I fear what others were told and how they see me because of it. They all drank the kool-aid and I can feel it, and no one cared enough to ask me my side of things. And if I'm being blunt, it's the reason why I've been estranged from everyone but my father. It's disgusting how someone's words can destroy your relationships and reputation when you did nothing wrong other than speak your truth. Some people revert to middle school mentality when called out on their shit and spread gossip to try and “rally the troops” on their side. Or they do it to make themselves look more important.

It's the reason why when I hear "I love you" from certain people, I get angry. Don't say those words when there is no evidence of it.

I had no idea my sister was reading my blogs over those years we were apart. Every one of those blogs I have struggled to put out there because I feel I'm being "a whiney bitch" or a drama queen like I've been told my entire life. I put a lot of my persoanl struggle out there in the hopes that maybe it could touch someone else who is struggling.

She told me how they helped her heal.

All I ever wanted was for someone to get something out of my experiences. I just didn't know it would be my own sister.

Through reading them, she also realized a few things about the one who served the poisoned kool-aid. She saw it all on her own. I didn't need to tell her anything.

I honestly never thought I'd talk to her again. I never thought I'd see her or her family again. I also never in my life have had anyone who has my back like she does. She'll blow shit up in defense of me, should someone be misinformed by the kool-aid. It's truly the first time I've felt this protected in all my life. Mind you, I'm the big sister here! I think that someone finally having my back to the degree she does is allowing for some of this deep crap to surface because my soul knows someone will fight for it to be seen and heard.

She's got enough piss and vinegar for the both of us, and frankly, I'm effing tired of trying to fight for myself.

In My Sister’s Words-

Approximately 5 years ago, at a time when she reached out for help, I slapped my sister (Becky) in the head with a metaphorical 2x4. Imagine being the person reaching out to your family for support only to be told you’re a drama queen in your time of need. Imagine how that would make YOU feel.

Well, I was the one who did that to my sister. I deeply hurt her at one of the most vulnerable times in her life.

Me... the sister who should've been there to support and encourage her. I should have been the shoulder to lean on, but I turned her away in a very abrupt, horrific way. Let that sink in for a bit before you move on to the next paragraph. Can you imagine the pain I caused her? Simply because she reached out for help. What a horrible thing to do to someone you should love.

Fast forward five years and today, she is now my best friend. WHAAAT?

What the heck happened?

She forgave me.

About 3 years ago I faced one of the darkest moments of my entire life. I was shattered, mentally beaten & left to sit in my own shit and think about my actions. I had been verbally hit in the head with my own 2x4. There were people in my own life, whom I loved deeply but had hurt and now I was facing being cut off.

Crushed, I was trying to figure out what happened.

What wasn’t I seeing?

Why was I so oblivious to my actions?

Why was I feeling like I was locked in a cage with no way out?

The only way back from family estrangement is to acknowledge that you did something wrong that hurt the other person. People don’t cut off family members for no reason. I had to take accountability for my actions. Part of that accountability meant therapy for me. Therapy to help me understand myself, my actions and help me to become a better person. Help me communicate better, help me to be able to mentally show up for others the way they needed me to.

Part of therapy included facing the darkest moment in my life and understanding where it came from. Therapy & my sister’s blog & a handful of other useful tools helped me with that. I had an opportunity to really sit with myself & learn how to become a better person.

My healing journey started because of estrangement with my sister, but it certainly didn’t end there. When you can see beyond your own hurt, take responsibility for your actions and learn from them, you may just be blessed with something beautiful. And you know what is beautiful…. my relationship with my sister. You remember what I did to her right?

In the midst of everything I did to her, my sister was able to forgive me. I never imagined I’d have a relationship with her again, but I knew I loved her and was so incredibly sorry for the damage I caused. Damage that I caused her from a deeply wounded heart… a heart that was poisoned by the kool-aid fed to me my entire life.

Not everyone gets an opportunity for reconciliation. You’ve got to be willing to put in the hard work, to do a lot of self-reflection. If you can do this, you might just come out the other side with something special. The bond my sister & I have now is one that will never be broken. I will stand up for her & support her for the rest of my days.

Becky started breaking the chains of generational trauma & my daughter is carrying the torch for her children. Together, they have taught me what you can have if you heal your own wounds and stop bleeding them on to others. I’m still very much a work in progress but Becky & I are healing together. Supporting each other through the good times and the bad. What we have now is a beautiful gift. A blessing. My sister has shown me that forgiveness and love always win. That something remarkable can be born from the years of pain.

Becky quietly held the key (unknown to her at the time because we weren’t speaking) that helped me unlock the door and free myself. I am no longer a victim of the person who wounded my heart & served me the poison.

Becky helped me unlock the door and TOGETHER we walked out of that cage to mental freedom. A freedom brought about because of accountability, love and forgiveness.

As you go about your day today, take a moment to pause and reflect on the person you are at the moment. Have you been swayed by the words someone said?

What Laurie and I Would Like You to Remember-

The moral of this story is to pay attention to what you listen to when other people speak. If it's something you hear that pertains to someone else, please love them enough to ask questions or ask their side of things. No one cared enough about me to ask my side, and it was crushing to my soul. And for Laurie, it meant being robbed of a relationship with me and my family and me being robbed of time with her, her children and grandchildren.

Ask questions before you walk away. Don't blindly believe the crap people say. I promise you there is likely more going on than what you know, and there is ALWAYS two sides to every story.

Before you open your mouth to say something, check your heart and your intentions. I promise you, that crap has a way of coming back around and landing on your doorstep.

Don’t let gossip, jealousy and insecurity rob you of relationships with people. What would you do to come and find out all you learned was a lie or there was a reason for it? And what would you do if that person was no longer here and you know they died with a heart broken by the gossip you believed?

With Love,

Becky Costello

Spiritual Life Coach

(and her sister Laurie)