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The Bondage of Shame


I am seeing so many brilliant people struggling to find a way to love themselves and letting insecurity stop them dead in their tracks.

And there are equally as many acting narcissistic and righteous.

What you may not know is there is a common bond between the two… Shame.


Shame is what happens when you absorb the beliefs of another in childhood because you were not accepted for behaving on a certain way. Since littles do not how to differentiate between a bad action or behavior and being bad themselves, they fall into this pit of feeling unloved.


Shame is comparing yourself to those adopted societal, parental, or cultural standards and falling short in your own eyes. This decreases your own self-love.

Shame is a violation of your own strict beliefs.

Sadly, no one ever stops to ask themselves where these bullshit standards come from.

But I can tell you where they start.


You are a kid and you are messing around, happily being you and suddenly are met with the disapproval of someone who you thought loved you. As a kid, you interpret this as “I am bad, thus they no longer love me”.

Kids feel things and how could they not feel like they are no longer loved? Judgement and disapproval is interpreted as “I am not loved” as a kid.

The child then adopts their beliefs and tries hard to be they way they think will make them feel loved and accepted by others so you could get your emotional needs met and not be hurt by future disapproval.


They say if you feel shame, you have a highly sensitive conscience and a highly sensitive heart.

Do you remember the first time someone you thought loved you scolded you as a child?

This child develops patterns of feeling that they have to look a certain way, act a certain way or feel a certain way in order to be good enough to be loved. They are never given personal authority to explore their own sense of self and thus, become little people pleasing robots who search to know how to behave to be loved. On the flip side, they become SO preoccupied with getting their emotional needs met, the become narcissistic and will do anything to meet those needs, regardless of who gets hurt in the process. Now imagine what that looks like as adults.

Do you see why the world is tore up from the floor up?


When society is asleep at the wheel (un-awakened, or "woke") a set of rules is constructed and judgement occurs. One was is accepted, the other condemned.

Sound familiar?

If you do not address this, the walls will close in, your heart will close off or break and you will bleed internally, drowning in sorrow.


We are taught to look at what is wrong in the world and fix it… but why in the hell are people falling for this shit?

The world does not need fixing! Humans do! No one is responsible for fixing anyone or anything other than themselves.

So, fix your shit so you do not raise or teach our children to become broken. THIS is where we will find change. Change in our own hearts and minds must happen first.

We must learn to love ourselves or we will keep hurting others.

We must become aware of our inner pain so we do not cast,that pain upon others.

If you don’t you are either going to be a people pleaser to get the love you are lacking, or you will grow narcissistic, trampling over anyone and anything that gets in the way of you feeling loved.


Do you feel like you do not have shame? Think again. We all do because we are human and humans are judgmental and have embedded standards we are expected to adopt.

A huge indicator of shame is to feel like you are not noticed, seen, heard or supported in this world. I hear this from my clients every single day.

If you have to validate, defend or explain your position on things, you have shame.

If you have to be loud, vocal and angry to get your point across, you have shame.

If you shy away from the world and prefer to be a loner, you have shame.

If you act arrogant, you have shame.

If you feel you need to be the “top dog”, you have shame.


This is a big issue I am seeing as a problem in the world, and because of this, the world at large is a disaster.

Each and every individual must do their inner work.

How do you do the work?


1- See if your rules, perceptions and beliefs violate the inner you, the inner self. You will know it does because you will feel conflicted and at war inside. Also, you may not hold the bar that high for others, but you do for yourself.


2- Look at the standards you are holding yourself to… do you believe in them? Do you want to keep them? Do you want to change them by rewiring your brain? Question everything and listen to your inner guide!


3- Instead of running from shame, sit with it in the body. We tend to fight what we should be willing to hear out. What are the sensations within the body? How old do you feel? What memory ties to it?


4- Every day, pick one thing you disapprove of about yourself and learn to understand it and love it. These are shattered pieces of the inner child you have ignored long enough. Even in those parts of you that you dislike, I promise you there is something good about it… so be honest with yourself and take note because it matters!


5- Acknowledge the FACT we have an insatiable urge to want to be good enough. We have to stop and see all the ways that we are good. A really good way to break into this is to ask yourself what others could benefit from being in relationship with you.


6- Who would you be or how would you behave in life in you didn’t have to worry about parental, societal or cultural standards? What would your life look like if you loved yourself enough to really be you?



We need to heal our inner world in order for the outer world to really change.



With Love,

Becky Costello, Psychic Medium

Dancing Elk Shamanic Healing

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