The Masking (of PTSD)

I would like for you to use this post as a way to educate yourself on how to really SEE someone.

Maybe it will save a life.

I beg you, do not assume someone is ok just because they say they are.

Several of us learned this lesson the hard way a few days ago.

Look closer, dig deeper. Look into their eyes. Take note of what you see.

Is the light in their eyes dimmer? Is their smile more faint? Are they engaging less?

We as humans need to pay closer attention. Start actually SEEING people.

Maybe it would have saved him.

The other day I accompanied my husband to a doctor appointment to meet his new provider. The doctor who will now be responsible for managing the PTSD he got as a side effect of working as a cop for 22+ years. It was only 2 hours earlier we got the news that one of his own partners took their life because of PTSD. We are both devastated by this, and in a vulnerable state, have to go and talk to a stranger. She walks into the room, her aura kind and gentle. She reviews his chart, some of his history and there he is, cracking jokes, and I am looking away, biting my lip so she doesn’t see the tears welling up in my eyes as I fight to hold it together.

Cracking jokes when you are falling apart on the inside. I was completely shocked at what I witnessed. How the heck can someone crack jokes when you are that busted up on the inside? Turns out cops are experts at this.

No one knew my husband’s former partner was struggling. I couldn’t understand how no one knew. How no one saw anything. It was clear as hell in the pictures that even 15 years back there was pain in his eyes. How did no one see that? Then I witnessed my husband crack jokes as if nothing was wrong. And he was dang convincing that he was ok. I was legitmately confused by what I just witnessed.

Suddenly I'm slammed into the understanding of how no one saw this man was drowning on the inside. In the job, they had to learn to play a certain role. They have to hide their emotions. They have to do the job from a non-emotional place. After 20 years of concealing your emotions, it becomes a way of life that is not easily undone. Then there is the stigma that comes along with saying “I’m not ok”. There are so many resources out there now, but it’s not that easy to reprogram years and years of culture and a way of life… a culture that mocked you and called you weak not that long ago if you said you were struggling. So many do not know how to say they aren’t ok. So many do not know how to ask for help.

Sometimes we don't love ourselves enough to ask for help. Sometimes we don't have the support, or community we need to feel safe enough. Or we are simply tired from the weight we carry and the act of healing feels daunting.

But we can help each other.

Truly reflect what you see… “Your eyes aren’t as bright as usual, are you ok?”

“You don’t smile like you used to”… “You are very quiet or seem withdrawn, are you ok?”

I’ve witnessed people take this behavior personally. I saw the devastation it caused first hand.

When you go through trauma, it eats at your self-esteem, it causes you to feel like a burden or inconvenience to others. It is hard to speak up when you feel your life doesn’t matter or that you may be adding to someone else’s plate.

If you are the one struggling, let me tell you the burden of losing you is much harder than the burden of hearing what you are struggling with… we are living the loss side of this right now and it is hell.

If you don’t know what to say to someone struggling, look at them and say, “I see you”. It will go much further than you can imagine. It’s better than asking “How are you?”… cuz you won’t likely get the truth anyway. I’m still trying to find the courage to be honest when someone asks how I am.

Don’t accept “fine” for an answer… tell them you SEE them. Let them know you care, and you genuinely want to be a place they can come to when they struggle. Practice really listening, because whether you like it or not, your sincerity is felt intuitively. You can’t fake concern. You’ll give yourself away eventually.

This post comes from a place in my heart that fears for the one struggling who acts as if you are ok, but you’re not, and you are teetering on that line. I know the pain because I do it too (old nurse here). I watched my husband do it for years with me, and then just a few days ago in front of a stranger he was to rely on, knowing she needed the truth in order to help him properly.

You matter.

You are deeply loved.

I dedicate this post to Jed, to his wife, his family, his friends and partners.

May you rest easy now.

May those who loved you find comfort from Above.

And thank you to all of you who texted, called or left messages and prayers for us. Please know we sincerely feel the light from this and it has helped.

With Love,

Becky Costello

Spiritual Life Coaching and Soul Therapy Services